“You’re born alone and you die alone, and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I’m living like there’s no tomorrow, because there isn’t one.”—
If you're never going to trust me, this relationship will never mean anything.
As much as I enjoy being myself with you and reflecting on the great memories we’ve made in only two months, I can’t continue to be in this relationship if it’s not going to progress any further. I don’t want to feel like an outsider who only has access to certain parts of you — when I asked if you wanted to be dating, I meant that I wanted to be part of your ENTIRE life. I can already feel the original joy I had in the beginning stagnating as it becomes evident that you are keeping me at a distance.
I have a sense that it will all fall apart, no matter what I do.
Yeah, it’s a girl.
Maybe I get too attached to relationships, maybe I idealize women too much and try to move too quickly… I’m not sure what it is, but I feel I always manage to fuck things up with everyone I really want to be with. Several people come to mind, but I’ll spare whoever reads this the details. I have this sense of impending failure just sitting in the back of my mind, staring me down silently, occasionally whispering that things will inevitably go wrong because of something I will or won’t do.
How do I put this behind me? Any hope I gain is seems destined to be immediately extinguished; it’s as if I lack the capacity to see things in a positive light.
It’s like a cancer that corrupts any happiness I would get out of a relationship, forcing me into a corner, alone again. I’ve always been a pessimist, but this is so much more — I can’t see myself happily with someone at all.
After something like two months, I broke up with Delaney this morning. She didn’t seem to understand that it upset me when she was touchy-feely with several guys. She would hang out one-on-one with a friend who shared with me several ideas of what he would want to do if they hooked up.
Am I trying to justify my case for leaving her? Maybe. I feel slightly guilty…maybe it was because it was so sudden and out of the blue, maybe because I was her first boyfriend in high school (which made things awkward anyways), and perhaps because my family has more money than her’s does. But all and all, I’d rather be moderately happy single than unhappy in a relationship.
Besides, I’ve got people to do and places to see. Places to go and people to see.